Three ways to say “you” to your partner’s family
Your partner, their mom, and the whole family at the dinner table each get a different “you” in Spanish. Pick the wrong one and you sound either cold or rude.
You pick the right “you” for each person in the family, and you change the verb to match it.
1. Three words for “you”
Spanish has a close “you” and a respectful “you”. In Mexico and Bolivia you need three words:
Spain has a fourth word, vosotros, for groups of friends. Latin America does not use it. There, ustedes covers every group, close or formal. — RAE, Diccionario panhispánico de dudas| You talk to… | Say | Example |
|---|---|---|
| your partner one person, close | tú | ¿Cómo estás? |
| your partner’s mom or dad one person, respect | usted | ¿Cómo está? |
| two or more people anyone at all | ustedes | ¿Cómo están? |
All three mean “How are you?”. Only the verb ending changes.
2. The trick: usted talks like “she”
Usted uses the same verb form as él / ella (he / she). Ustedes uses the same form as ellos (they). So in the present tense:
- Take the tú form: tienes.
- Drop the -s → usted form: tiene.
- Add -n → ustedes form: tienen.
| Verb | tú | usted | ustedes |
|---|---|---|---|
| estar to be (how/where) | estás | está | están |
| querer to want | quieres | quiere | quieren |
| tener to have | tienes | tiene | tienen |
| hablar to speak | hablas | habla | hablan |
| ser to be (who/what) | eres | es | son |
Nearly every verb follows the trick. Ser is the big rebel: eres → es → son. Learn those three by heart.
3. Who gets usted?
Your partner: tú (or vos, see the Bolivia note below).
Your partner’s parents and grandparents: start with usted. In Mexico, many people use usted with their in-laws for years. Some even call them señor and señora, as if those were their names.
In-laws in Mexico: “Suegros 101”, Mexico News Daily (2025). In Chiapas and Yucatán some people use usted even with their own parents: Na’atik Institute.It can go one way. The parents may say tú to you while you say usted to them. That is normal. It is not a sign that you made a mistake.
When to switch: if they say Puedes hablarme de tú (“you can speak to me with tú”), switch to tú. Hablar de tú means “to use tú with someone”.
hablar de tú a alguien = tratar de tú. — RAE, Diccionario de la lengua españolaIn eastern Bolivia (Santa Cruz, Beni, Pando) and in Tarija, many people say vos instead of tú for the close “you”. (Wikipedia: Bolivian Spanish) For now, just know: vos = the close “you”. If your partner’s family uses it, we will learn its verb forms soon.
4. Practice: pick the right one
Read the situation. Click the sentence you would say. Wrong clicks are fine. They help you remember.
Your partner looks tired. You ask: “Are you OK?”
Your partner’s mother opens the door. You ask how she is.
Both parents sit down. You ask how they are.
You offer coffee to your partner’s father.
Dinner with the whole family. You ask if they want more.
You meet your partner’s grandmother. You ask if she speaks English.
Your partner’s dad says: “Puedes hablarme de tú.” Now you ask him if he has time.
The rebel verb. You ask your partner’s mom if she is from Puebla.
Your partner’s mom asks you: ¿Tienes hambre? What does this tell you?
5. Practice: say it yourself
Now the harder part. Type the Spanish. Say it out loud as you type. Accents and ¿? are optional for the check.
To your partner: “Are you hungry?” (tener hambre = to be hungry)
To your partner’s mom: “Are you tired?” (estar cansada = to be tired, for a woman)
To both parents: “Do you want coffee?”
To your partner’s grandpa: “Do you speak English?”
To your partner’s mom: “Are you from Cochabamba?” (a city in Bolivia)
6. Real-world task
¿A tus papás les hablo de tú o de usted?
Do I speak to your parents with tú or usted?
¿En tu familia dicen vos?
Does your family say vos?
English is fine if Spanish feels like too much. Tell me the answers. They decide what we learn next.
Tomorrow
Before the next lesson, open the “You” cheat sheet. Cover the verb table with your hand. Say all 15 forms out loud. Then check. This recall from memory is what makes it stick.
“Tú vs Usted” by Daniela Sanchez, Tell Me In Spanish. A Mexican teacher explains the same idea with more examples. Bonus culture read: “Suegros 101: the art of getting along with your Mexican in-laws”.
Ask me. I am your teacher. Open Claude Code in this folder and ask anything, for example: “Why is ser the rebel?” or “How do I say ‘your’ with usted?”